WARNING: Jumbled Confessional

HI FRIENDS. 

So, recently I’ve been trying to figure out what is going on with me creatively. I haven’t really had much time or opportunity to create… Working 10am to 6pm, seven days a week, makes it hard enough to find the time to buy groceries, or even socialize. 

Of course, I am constantly scrolling through Instagram, flipping through magazines, and reading articles whenever I can. But when eight hours of every day are restricted to focusing on the task at hand — or risking a slap on the wrist for distracting yourself with email updates from Vogue and push notifications from CNN — its difficult to keep up to date on all the latest fashion, art, music, and politics. 

Additionally, and quite honestly, I’ve been pretty broke. Like the kind of broke where I can’t even use my credit card anymore (its been a lil rough). But its toughened me up, and given me a better perspective on where I need to focus my spending habits.

Working in fashion, or any field really, means keeping up with the latest trends while also creating your own innovative looks. It may sound like an excuse, but not being able to buy anything new for the last three months (besides one pair of pants) has made me begin to hate getting dressed in the morning… 

I mentioned that I stay up to date on the latest whatever as much as I can, but when I can’t actually implement anything of the latest whateverinto my every day looks, what does it matter? 

I’ve been feeling like everything in my closet in outdated, ugly, cheap looking, while at the same time finding myself unable to clear things out despite the fact that I only wear 20% of my wardrobe. Especially with living in NYC, where even the dressed-down and grungy kids look chic and effortless, while I’m over here wearing something I don’t even like anymore, and its had me feeling VERY stuck. It was hard to see so many people looking so good and feeling like I could never pull that off… 

Just to add to the pile of complaints… For a while I really felt like it didn’t matter what I wore anyway. Like anything in life, I started off my first internship by taking the time to look office-chic, but over time I began to wake up later and later (mostly due to exhaustion) and stopped doing my makeup, which led to me wearing more and more casual looks. Then I started another internship, and the cycle began again. No one saw me during the day besides my manager, and no one was around capture a photo of my outfit, so what was the point in trying?? I really didn’t know. 

Now I do. 

Feeling like your creativity is waining, feeling like you don’t look good, and not feeling any desire to try, can kick start a ROUGH cycle of self-doubt and loathing. Last night I talked to some creative friends about this dip in creative energy and they told me that the same thing happened to them when they first moved to New York. The causes may have varied, but the results were the same:

    Lack in Creative Ideas. (for photoshoots, outfits, articles, stories, poems, make, hair, music, whatever your outlet).

    Dip in Creative Effort. (ceasing to produce, no desire to even try, saying no to projects).

    Self-Doubt & Loathing. (feeling like maybe you’re not a creative, like you’re in the wrong industry, like its not going to work out for you). 

    Frustration with Everything. (pursuing to discover the causes of this depressing drought of ideas, passion, and desire).

    Figuring Out What Needs to Change. (self explanatory). 

If you’re still wondering: What’s the point in trying? Its you. You are the point.

YOU are the one who not only considers  yourself to be “a creative” - you also need a creative outlet, work in a creative field, and derive a good portion of your happiness from the ability, opportunity, and process of creating. 

So, unfortunately once again my motivation to create fun, smart, cool, and/or different looks every day was a new internship. BUT, but, its FINALLY a creative internship. So looking good is kind of a requirement, THERE IS A POINT outside of myself. And this time, it stuck. It’s been two months, and I’m still wearing combinations I’ve never worn, grabbing forgotten and abandoned pieces out of my closet, and feeling good about the things I’ve put together. I also bought some new shoes. (shh). 

I’ve gone through comfy and casual phases before… but its never mattered so much to me (mostly because I didn’t care or have to try during high school and college as much as I do now). Now, I think what was most upsetting about the blockage in my creative flow, was that I was finally in a setting where 1. I cared. 2. it mattered. 3. it would be appreciated. 4. I was (am) surrounded by inspiration. 

New York is CRAWLING with stylish people, not only NYC residents but also visitors from around the world!! THERE IS SO MUCH INSPIRATION. And people are looking at, appreciating, and commenting on your creation. There’s nothing better than a chic European complementing your look, or a piece of it. Wait, actually there is: when that European is a stylist doing a studio pull at Bloomingdales, and you’re sitting there admiring the collection of pieces she’s chosen, and she looks at your and says “UGH, I love those pants. Your look, its so good. You look good!” 

LIKE OMG WHAT GIRL THAT YOU OMG NO YOU LOOK GOOD OMG NO THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. - me. 

Anyways, the point of this article is this: I am revamping my digital creative outlet: my website. And I’ve decided that I don’t care if anyone ever sees any of it, or even this piece! (although it’d be nice). I’ve discovered that if I’m going to be honest with myself, I need to admit that I need a catch-all for my creativity, and that I also need a motivation. If I set goals for myself, provide myself a platform to fulfill those goals, and keep myself accountable by admitting that this is something that I need to be happy, that its all I need. 

I’ve been brainstorming some ideas for what I am going to do on my new creative outlet platform, and I’ve also decided that it doesn’t matter that I won’t be consistent. I’m not a blogger or whatever, and this is mostly just for me. So when I have the time, and when my ideas work out, there will be some content on here for those of you who give a sh*t! :) <3